Thursday, 21 September 2017

Affected in seconds.

It has been raining a lot lately. I curled up under the blanket right after work last night and by 8, the light was off. I thought of work and curled up even more. My stomach was grumbling but I kept myself in that position.

A guy I have been talking to from Okcupid texted me. We chatted for 45 minutes and then I cried, stopped, cried and stopped again, my perpetual state for last night. I found him in a dating app last week. Little did I know that I would be so affected by him in seconds.

Nowadays, I do a lot of self-reflection.  He was good at criticising me whenever I opened up and he was never romantic in his words. It was like a slap on my face that I was never ready for, and I cry every single time it happened. I guess I needed that from a complete stranger as I am afraid I have become too egotistical.

I am meeting him tomorrow but our conversation did not end well. It was 10 p.m and I cried myself to sleep, still curled up under the blanket.



Friday, 15 September 2017

To forgetting my family (Part 1)

I remember what family feels like, fleetingly and then I forget again.

My family is only 160 miles away, yet I never yearn to see them. I can only remember the 7 year old me trying to bye my mom away on the first day of school, while other students were reluctant to let their moms go. I was happy I could temporarily leave home for National Service. And I was absolutely thrilled to leave home forever when I enrolled to college. And now I am here, alone at my work desk, trying to remember and to forget.

I am certain that I don't hate my family, maybe one of them, but that's an entirely different story. Hence, I chuckle whenever people say I am the baby of the family just because I am the youngest. The irony is rich in that one.

I talk to my parents at least once a month, by text, to inform them that I send some money. If there was a birthday, then maybe twice, by text. I do not call them. I don't call people in general, and my parents are people, so by that logic, it's only relevant. I also can go months and months not talking to my siblings. They don't really add values in my life, it seems.

I try to think of the reasons why and I've got three clues:

1) I have a fear of attachment.
2) I am a self-centered bitch.
3) They are the self-centered bitches.

I own my issues, though. I am mostly a humanist, so I believe that people, first and foremost, should point their finger to themselves in everything they do. Exploring self, understanding and misunderstanding self in a continuous manner, and then decide if you want to change. If you do not or if you do, that's entirely up to you. Sounds exhausting but blaming other people isn't going to bring me anywhere.

Years of contemplation later, I come to a conclusion that I am a self-centered bitch who would rather live with familial amnesia.

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Lips to lips

My ex recently got married. I found out about this three days ago. Just two months earlier, he kissed me outside TGIF at The Curve. It was a light peck on the lips. If I close my eyes now, I can still feel how time stopped at that moment.

Occasionally, I sit down and think of ways to move on. I'm hopeful because every single thing in this world is fleeting.

Thursday, 27 July 2017

A year later

I finally have some time to blog again, a year later. That means I was living without wifi for almost a year. Bad mobile data and blogging is not a good pair, I thought.

So, I'm utilising my free time at the office (which has good wifi) to blog. I haven't had 'free time' for so long but today is different. I am sitting at my new cubicle, wondering what to do right now and with my life. I was officially promoted for the first time in my life last week, so the transition period has given me some time to spare for writing.

Today is roughly a year after graduation. If anyone asks me, I can safely say that I'm doing well. I made some new friends, added Brunei immigration stamp in my passport (the other one is of Singapore's) and being a crappy aunt to all five of my nieces/nephews.

'You should buy a new phone now that you are a manager'

That last word hits me time to time. Cheap labour or opportunity to grow? I'm in dilemma to soothe my mind. Granted, my phone is ugly because I had dropped it a few times before but I simply can't afford a new one.

I like the story of my fallen phone. It was raining, my friends were arguing on the side of a street in Changkat and I, partially sober was ignoring and listening to them at the same time. It fell and I was sure that the crack was going to be severe. I didn't shout or curse when it fell though. I was chill. Sometimes, I think I need to vent out more. I do cry but I am rarely openly angry.

Maybe I will buy a new phone in a few months.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

The day before graduation

Credits: Google Image

Graduation day was not particularly memorable for me but the day before that was.  While other people were probably busy planning what to wear for d-day, my parents and I were on the way to my late grandma’s house, which is a 20 minute drive to the graduation venue.

I have always loved road trips but this one was different. This is the kind of road trip where I cried silently at the backseat, thinking about sacrifice and love. It was a slow and relaxing drive. My dad was driving my brother in law’s second generation Proton Saga and the car is not really suitable for a long journey, so he could only drove 70 km/h.

We talked about life most of the time, and food occasionally. Dad talked about his business, his friends, his business partners, his late father, his life in army and his future plans. With Dad, it is always about opening your own business. He worked in government for a few years, 15 years as a contractor but eventually he came back as a farmer. He loves to plant and he sells only the best fruit to his customers. When he is not farming, he cooks. Dad has cooked for a thousand people and he has been cooking for me since I was 5. When he is not farming and cooking, he manages a friend’s fish farm in the middle of the sea. I, on the other hand listened and occasionally asked questions. I took his advices, his experiences, his pain and his happiness and started crafting my future.

But everything he does, he does it for his family. For a traditionalist like Dad, when you get married and have children, carrying responsibilities over your own blood gives you a distinct purpose in life. My parents’ love knows no bound, it is moving, happy, sad, heartbreaking and complicated. Love, these past few days, is when your dad calls a few of his friends for extra money to send his daughter to graduate. Love is when you ask your mom not to buy any graduation bouquets because they are costly. Love is when your dad keeps looking at your certificate with shining eyes.

And that is only the beginning of more love and pain.



After you kids came along, your mom, she said something to me I never quite understood. She said, "Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids." I think now I understand what she meant. Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future.
Joseph Cooper, Interstellar (2014) 

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Why I don’t want to be a parent.


I look at myself as a daughter, who turned 6 years old, then 15, then 20 and now 23. 23 years being a daughter and I know I have been a constant worry for my parents.

Does she have enough money? Is she being a good girl? Does she take care of her prayers? Is she eating well? Is she studying hard? When is she coming home? Is she working hard? Which guy is she currently dating? Are we sure that she is not sleeping with him?

As a parent, you discipline yourself and your children. You teach them what is right and what is not. When they disobey, you probably get mad, be disappointed or you even cry. You think to yourself, is it my fault? Did I not raise them properly?

As a daughter, you think about your parents a lot. You think of how they would react to the secret things you do behind them,  you think of their faces when you tell them about your success and failure, you think of their face when you ask for money, you think of their words when you tell them your worries. You think, you worry, you blame, you hate, and then you love again.  

Now, I am not fond of the idea of being a parent because I don’t want to subject someone under certain expectations.  I don’t want to expect anything from my children, I don’t want to get heartbreak when they disobey me and leave me forever, I don’t want them to hate me because they can’t live up to my expectations and I certainly don’t want them to hate themselves when they disappoint me. I don’t want them to live in fear of my rejection.

I am simply voicing out my concern and fear as a 23 year old woman who knows nothing about raising an actual family. I have been a daughter to my parents and the reality is not that beautiful. We don’t know who to blame, so we don’t play that game, we don’t know what went wrong but we know that shit happened and we swallow the shit. We do, however, go on living, with expectations and with those familiar feelings of love and security.  

Will I be able to subvert the same old pattern and the same old expectation for myself and my future, with no strings attached?

Time will tell.


Monday, 16 May 2016

Reel-ationship


Very few people understand what is it like to love being alone. Often, they dismiss it for being emotional, abnormal or downright depressed. I don't know if there is a personality term, medical term or whatever term for it. They don't matter anyway and I hate terms because they fragment, judge and discriminate. But I know I love being alone.

I love being around people but I have my limits.
But with myself, it's limitless, infinite.

"God is always with you, you're not alone". No, not really for me.
I'm not very spiritual, in fact I'm starting to leave my faith because it has not really helped me.
Some things that happened did prove to me that god exists but more often that not, they didn't.
Speaking from experience, to question religion is to destroy your relationships.
So, I often keep it to myself and talk to people who are kind enough to tolerate.

I try to be as independent as possible. Often, people frame being independent as a positive thing. "She's an independent woman" "Learn to be independent"
That's actually bullshit.

I try to be independent because I want to be alone. I don't ask people about assignments because I want to be alone. I don't ask people what's for dinner because I want to be alone. I don't ask parents for unnecessary shit because I want to be alone. And to be independent, you put 100% effort and patience, no whining, no complaining.

You can't be alone when you are dependent, because you are expected to be in a relationship and this relationship exhausts me. With women, it's mostly dramas. With men, it's mostly sexism. But I find that strangers without attachment are sometimes kind, maybe, just maybe this is the exception.

Of course, when I'm caught between people, I try to accommodate as much as I can.  You don't whine in front of them, you do what they want you to. You don't curse at them, you be nice to them. You don't ignore their difficulties, you help. That's common courtesy. My parents taught me to give, give, give and that's what I precisely will do.

But when I'm not caught between people, I'm at my most optimised self. I'm the happiest. There's no room for loneliness because lonely people are lazy people. And I'm not lazy.